Hello dear reader,
It’s been quite a while since we last spoke. To tell you everything that has happened in my life since the last time would take a while so I’ll just start from now. Right now I’m struggling dear reader. Anxiety is a horrible thing, it stops you in your tracks and holds you where you are, unable to move, just held in the air waiting to fall and hit the ground.
That’s where my mind is at the moment, not knowing how to move either way. I must explain at this point that this is nothing new to me. I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder and am prone to bouts of depression. On top of this I have joint hyper mobility which means I’m always achy and tired.
Usually I am able to keep this under control. I take my meds, I try to meditate and I strive to be the most cheery person in the room.
But it’s a constant struggle, pretending to be “normal” all the time. It’s exhausting. This month everything seemed to pile on top of me. I find coping with change very difficult and a lot of things have changed. Professional life, personal life and the environment around me.
I’m seen as the one people can talk to when they need help. And I help. I make sure I’ve done my very best to help. And when they are all better I smile and encourage them to grow further. Then, at night when I go to bed and close the door; I sit alone with my own issues and slowly drown. That’s what it feels like doesn’t it. Like you’re drowning in your own sorrow. The panic attacks set in, the nagging thoughts repeat over and over till morning. When you get up, smile and be ever so happy for people.
Oh yes. Update on the Mr Gitchops situation; 13th February 2017. That was the last time I spoke to him. I was so tired of trying. He didn’t seem to care either way. So I did the only thing I know how when someone is being so cold and utterly breaking my heart. I laughed.
(Photo courtesy of google images)
Sometimes I feel like there's a hand in my stomach squeezing and twisting all the way up to my throat
The cold claws dig deep into my scalp releasing a stinging venom that trickles down my eyes and cheeks
Steel rods punch into my sternum with a force that could knock down the most muscular body
A large burning ball in my throat nearly chokes me to death and I swallow hard to shift it
That's when the despair, distress, alarm, fear, helplessness kicks in
That's when I feel I've lost all control
When I know I can't keep everyone safe
When my mind races with exaggerated scenarios and shows me scenes I don't want to think about
Oh I'm sorry, do I seem a little snappy?
It's ok, don't you worry about a thing; I'm fine… really
Evening dear reader. I was going to share a little poetry with you tonight but I found myself a little distracted.
Firstly; I couldn’t think of anything to write as I was preoccupied with the realisation that I was, in fact lying in bed hugging a soft “Cookie Monster” toy. Such is the life of a singleton.
(Aforementioned “Cookie Monster”)
Anyway, I digress. As I began to type a long winded rant about a man, I noticed it. A tiny gnat walking across my phone screen. I flicked the cocky little git away and that’s when I heard it. A loud buzzing in my left ear. As I raised my hand to investigate I felt something fluttering around in it. The buzzing sound now clear as day. I started frantically poking inside my ear trying to kill the fly. I had visions of it flying in there so far that I could see it behind my eye!!! 😱😱😱
Suddenly, the buzzing stopped. Phew! Now to retrieve the gnat corpse from my ear. Oh no! Where is it!!!! I have spent the last 30mins searching the bed and my ear for it; with no luck. I just hope it isn’t still somewhere in my left lug hole!
So, after being ear raped by a gnat, I think I’ve had enough excitement for one night. No poem tonight. I will try again tomorrow!