Tag Archives: relationships

The post I didn’t post until now

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It’s been a while since I posted. Feels like I only really post on here when I’m at a loss of what to do. I guess this is the only place I can properly vent this stuff. I really miss my friend that I had known since my first year of high school. I’ve missed her since she stopped talking to me. Every day I’ll think of something that I’d like to tell her or something funny happens and I automatically want to share it with her. I’m not even sure what I did to end our long friendship, I took on all the problems mounted up by my sister and in fixing her mess I lost a friend. I feel worse because I know that my sister did nothing to try to help my situation. I fixed her mess and she didn’t once attempt to explain to my friend how I was doing what I did to get her out of a jam. She just didn’t even try.

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Hangin’ on the telephone

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Don’t leave me hangin’ on the telephoneBlondie

Tick tocking on the clock

Feeling like the time has stopped

Waiting for your little text

When will you talk to me next

You leave me hanging for days and days

Hanging on the telephone

This may be one sided but I feel it isn’t so

But I’m tired of being the one to say hello

Opening lines to keep you near

I closed the lines and opened fear

Because you’ve left me hanging

Hanging on the telephone

Nails click and teeth grind

Unlocking the screen only to find

No message no questions no how are you

I keep telling myself this friendship is through

But it’s not and it can’t and I know it’s a lie

No matter how much I think it I can’t say goodbye

So I stay and I wait for you to make the first move

Hoping you’ll surprise me and finally prove

That it’s not just me and I don’t have to be alone

But still you leave me hanging on the telephone

Hello again

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Hello dear reader

I know it’s been a long time. I’m sorry. The past few months have been both enjoyable and heartbreaking. Perhaps I should start with the thing that started all this sorrow. I made a bad call. I let someone who I knew was a waste of space into my sisters life. He was an utter idiot and pretended he didn’t even know her when they were together. A slimy little waste of air and I introduced him to her. It makes me sick to think how he came between myself, my best friend and my sister. Because she was more concerned about herself and the fun she was having with him, and ignored the fact that myself and my friend knew him better and knew that he was this way. So it caused arguments. And caused me to lose a lot of trust for my sister and totally lose my friend. There were problems in the friendship between the three of us already; but this situation made it worse. Pushing it to breaking point.

My sister lied about a lot of things. Went away with him without any money or transport of her own having only known him a few weeks. She made some stupid potentially dangerous decisions and that infuriated me. I’ve always been the one to fight off her bullies and defend her. But this time I wouldn’t be able to. She didn’t even see how it could potentially be dangerous. I don’t think I can ever have the same relationship with her as we had before. Too many other things got brought up when arguing. I’m trying. So hard. But sometimes I just get so annoyed. I don’t like change. Don’t adapt well.

So now I’m quite alone. It’s a terrible feeling to not be able to trust people. To be lonely. I miss my friend. She isn’t bothered. I’ve been replaced by trendier sycophantic “friends”. So it’s basically just me and my dogs. I have a team I work with but they’re far away and we don’t meet up or anything. I have Facebook friends but they’re not really interested in me. And I have friends in different countries but they are so far away.

I enjoy my job though. It keeps me from being a hermit. I get to meet different people and make sure they have a fun filled party. That’s good. I wish I could do it full time though. I’m working on being proactive and getting those bookings. I’ts hard for someone with depression to be peppy but I will keep trying.

My life isn’t a completely fulfilled and happy one. But I’m still trying to make it that way. I won’t give up. No matter how lonely or worthless I feel. I’ll keep at it.

Going Under

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Hello dear reader,

It’s been quite a while since we last spoke. To tell you everything that has happened in my life since the last time would take a while so I’ll just start from now. Right now I’m struggling dear reader. Anxiety is a horrible thing, it stops you in your tracks and holds you where you are, unable to move, just held in the air waiting to fall and hit the ground.

That’s where my mind is at the moment, not knowing how to move either way. I must explain at this point that this is nothing new to me. I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder and am prone to bouts of depression. On top of this I have joint hyper mobility which means I’m always achy and tired.

Usually I am able to keep this under control. I take my meds, I try to meditate and I strive to be the most cheery person in the room.

But it’s a constant struggle, pretending to be “normal” all the time. It’s exhausting. This month everything seemed to pile on top of me. I find coping with change very difficult and a lot of things have changed. Professional life, personal life and the environment around me.
I’m seen as the one people can talk to when they need help. And I help. I make sure I’ve done my very best to help. And when they are all better I smile and encourage them to grow further. Then, at night when I go to bed and close the door; I sit alone with my own issues and slowly drown. That’s what it feels like doesn’t it. Like you’re drowning in your own sorrow. The panic attacks set in, the nagging thoughts repeat over and over till morning. When you get up, smile and be ever so happy for people.

Oh yes. Update on the Mr Gitchops situation; 13th February 2017. That was the last time I spoke to him. I was so tired of trying. He didn’t seem to care either way. So I did the only thing I know how when someone is being so cold and utterly breaking my heart. I laughed.

Little Notes In Library Books XIV

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Little Notes In Library Books XIV

(Photo courtesy of google images)

Sometimes I feel like there's a hand in my stomach squeezing and twisting all the way up to my throat
The cold claws dig deep into my scalp releasing a stinging venom that trickles down my eyes and cheeks
Steel rods punch into my sternum with a force that could knock down the most muscular body
A large burning ball in my throat nearly chokes me to death and I swallow hard to shift it
That's when the despair, distress, alarm, fear, helplessness kicks in
That's when I feel I've lost all control
When I know I can't keep everyone safe
When my mind races with exaggerated scenarios and shows me scenes I don't want to think about
Oh I'm sorry, do I seem a little snappy?
It's ok, don't you worry about a thing; I'm fine… really

Little notes in library books VIII

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Little notes in library books VIII

A word to the wise

The strong man is never as expected

The weaker may surprise

Not arms nor legs nor shoulders defined

Not a strong brow or piercing eyes

Strength has not a physical form

It sits deep within the chest

Its doing your best, trying against all odds

He who is strong is unafraid to love

to laugh, to cry, to play, to work

He takes it in his stride, quietly being solid

He may not be the loudest or the daredevil

he may be the carer, the supporter, the safety of home

But he is strong, he is always true to himself

He is everything to those he loves and they him.

Yes, physicality is also strength

but don’t discount all others

you may find you have missed gold while mining for iron

The directors dinner Part III

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The directors dinner Part III

Suddenly, a loud crash and clatter thundered from the projection room at the back of the cinema.

“FUCKING REELS!”

There was a crash of metal then “OUCH… where is that film?” More clattering and crashing sounds echoed through the room before Jasmine heard Kai’s muffled voice again: “BINGO! Right, that goes on there and then that bit goes onto there…flick the switch and, TAH DAH!”

The lights dimmed the screen came to life. The title Casablanca appeared on the screen in huge letters behind Jasmine. She waited a moment, looking up at the projection room and wondering if her fiancé was now lost under a sea of film cans. Eventually, the little door opened and Kai appeared looking rather flustered. His hair was now crumpled, his tie loosened and the top two buttons of his shirt undone. Jasmine giggled at the sorry sight.

“Have fun, did you?” she joked.

“Err, yeah… I guess I’m not very good with the with the filing system in there,” he blushed “I found it though, Casablanca. For you, my love.” He motioned towards the screen in a very Bill and Ted kind of way.

Bounding over to Jasmine, he joined her on the picnic blanket. Jasmine picked up a strawberry, dipped it in the thick cream and held it up for Kai who leant forward and took a bite.

“This is all so wonderful. Thank you,” she absentmindedly wiped a spot of cream from the corner of his mouth.

“Well, I figured you would get bored at this event, but I was stoked that you agreed to come and support me, so I arranged to have this all ready for you. It’s the least I could do for you after having to endure my speech.” He looked down at the blanket and picked at a loose thread.

“Your speeches are never boring.”

Jasmine cupped his face in her hands and kissed him tenderly. She found it odd kissing him when he had a beard, but she didn’t mind the bristles tickling her face too much.

He rose to his knees so that he could lean in closer towards her. She draped her arms around his neck, running her fingers through his hair as he took of his jacket and waistcoat. His mouth continued exploring hers before moving down her neck to her shoulder. He reached around and expertly unzipped her dress with one hand. As he pulled the dress down to her waist, his hands cupped and caressed her breasts before he trailed kisses back up to her mouth.

Jasmine moved her hands down from his hair to his chest where she located and undid the buttons of his shirt before pulling it down his arms. He swiftly took off his cufflinks and pulled the shirt off, tossing it aside. Kai gripped Jasmine’s thighs, pulling her legs either side of him, hitching up the long silver material.

He looked deep into her eyes as if asking permission. As she smiled back at him, he lowered her back until she was lying out on the blanket. He kissed her again, this time more passionately but still tender and lovingly.

Jasmine moved her hands down to the fly of his trousers and pulled down the zipper. Kai progressed slowly and gently inside her, moving like waves onto the sand on a calm summer’s day. Under the projection of the film, Jasmine and Kai tenderly made love to one another as though it was the first time. Only on that perfect night, did they both feel the magnitude of their growing love for each other.

As the film flicked around on the wheel creating a fluttering light in the darkness, Jasmine and Kai lay on the blanket together; holding hands before both falling asleep.