Tag Archives: Personal

Going Under

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Hello dear reader,

It’s been quite a while since we last spoke. To tell you everything that has happened in my life since the last time would take a while so I’ll just start from now. Right now I’m struggling dear reader. Anxiety is a horrible thing, it stops you in your tracks and holds you where you are, unable to move, just held in the air waiting to fall and hit the ground.

That’s where my mind is at the moment, not knowing how to move either way. I must explain at this point that this is nothing new to me. I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder and am prone to bouts of depression. On top of this I have joint hyper mobility which means I’m always achy and tired.

Usually I am able to keep this under control. I take my meds, I try to meditate and I strive to be the most cheery person in the room.

But it’s a constant struggle, pretending to be “normal” all the time. It’s exhausting. This month everything seemed to pile on top of me. I find coping with change very difficult and a lot of things have changed. Professional life, personal life and the environment around me.
I’m seen as the one people can talk to when they need help. And I help. I make sure I’ve done my very best to help. And when they are all better I smile and encourage them to grow further. Then, at night when I go to bed and close the door; I sit alone with my own issues and slowly drown. That’s what it feels like doesn’t it. Like you’re drowning in your own sorrow. The panic attacks set in, the nagging thoughts repeat over and over till morning. When you get up, smile and be ever so happy for people.

Oh yes. Update on the Mr Gitchops situation; 13th February 2017. That was the last time I spoke to him. I was so tired of trying. He didn’t seem to care either way. So I did the only thing I know how when someone is being so cold and utterly breaking my heart. I laughed.

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Little Notes In Library Books XIV

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Little Notes In Library Books XIV

(Photo courtesy of google images)

Sometimes I feel like there's a hand in my stomach squeezing and twisting all the way up to my throat
The cold claws dig deep into my scalp releasing a stinging venom that trickles down my eyes and cheeks
Steel rods punch into my sternum with a force that could knock down the most muscular body
A large burning ball in my throat nearly chokes me to death and I swallow hard to shift it
That's when the despair, distress, alarm, fear, helplessness kicks in
That's when I feel I've lost all control
When I know I can't keep everyone safe
When my mind races with exaggerated scenarios and shows me scenes I don't want to think about
Oh I'm sorry, do I seem a little snappy?
It's ok, don't you worry about a thing; I'm fine… really

Update

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Update

Hey! 

It’s been a while since I last wrote and I apologise for the cut off story. As most long suffering people have experienced with your own families; Boxing Day at the Bee hive is full of family. It’s the day we all pile into the car and make our way over to my Grandmother’s house for food, drink, board games and that good ole familiar onslaught of probing questions from my aunt. Some of you may know the questions already “are you still single” “are you making much money” “how much money are you on a year now” “why haven’t you had any kids yet”; blah blah. 

This year, however, was a little different. As I settled down on the sofa in the corner of the lounge, I took out my iPad and began to type my latest piece for you all. I found the hussle and bustle of my family’s festivities a little distracting but plowed on until I  got into a good rhythm. 
Suddenly, my cousin decided to become rather narky with her latest arm candy. I won’t bore anyone with the details but it wasn’t his fault! 

Well, dear readers; it is quite difficult to write a love scene in the midst of a lovers quarrel. So I decided enough was enough and I did what any sane person over the age of 15 knows NOT TO DO. I interjected with my own opinion on the situation. Oops. 

As I am a non violent individual I’m afraid I tend to just coldly present the evidence and remain calm and businesslike in such situations. This did not go down well with my cousin and although she did finally desist with her torrent of “smart arse” comments; she continued to sulk and give me stink eye for an hour after.

So. That’s what happened folks. It put me right off my flow and also made me public enemy number 1 with my cousin (but not her boyfriend heehee). I will try to get some more shorts posted for you all. Hope you had a fabulous new year! 

Bee xxx