Hello dear reader,
It’s been quite a while since we last spoke. To tell you everything that has happened in my life since the last time would take a while so I’ll just start from now. Right now I’m struggling dear reader. Anxiety is a horrible thing, it stops you in your tracks and holds you where you are, unable to move, just held in the air waiting to fall and hit the ground.
That’s where my mind is at the moment, not knowing how to move either way. I must explain at this point that this is nothing new to me. I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder and am prone to bouts of depression. On top of this I have joint hyper mobility which means I’m always achy and tired.
Usually I am able to keep this under control. I take my meds, I try to meditate and I strive to be the most cheery person in the room.
But it’s a constant struggle, pretending to be “normal” all the time. It’s exhausting. This month everything seemed to pile on top of me. I find coping with change very difficult and a lot of things have changed. Professional life, personal life and the environment around me.
I’m seen as the one people can talk to when they need help. And I help. I make sure I’ve done my very best to help. And when they are all better I smile and encourage them to grow further. Then, at night when I go to bed and close the door; I sit alone with my own issues and slowly drown. That’s what it feels like doesn’t it. Like you’re drowning in your own sorrow. The panic attacks set in, the nagging thoughts repeat over and over till morning. When you get up, smile and be ever so happy for people.
Oh yes. Update on the Mr Gitchops situation; 13th February 2017. That was the last time I spoke to him. I was so tired of trying. He didn’t seem to care either way. So I did the only thing I know how when someone is being so cold and utterly breaking my heart. I laughed.
(Photo courtesy of google images)
Sometimes I feel like there's a hand in my stomach squeezing and twisting all the way up to my throat
The cold claws dig deep into my scalp releasing a stinging venom that trickles down my eyes and cheeks
Steel rods punch into my sternum with a force that could knock down the most muscular body
A large burning ball in my throat nearly chokes me to death and I swallow hard to shift it
That's when the despair, distress, alarm, fear, helplessness kicks in
That's when I feel I've lost all control
When I know I can't keep everyone safe
When my mind races with exaggerated scenarios and shows me scenes I don't want to think about
Oh I'm sorry, do I seem a little snappy?
It's ok, don't you worry about a thing; I'm fine… really
My face is full
My breast ample
My hips round
My thighs sturdy
I appear solid
But I am not solid
This is just a delicate shell
Thin paper walls
Hiding the truth
Loud sounds to hide the inner silence
Hollow, cold, lonely
So alone my heart shivers
No warmth of love
No comfort, support
No home within me
Just this paper shell
Echos of hope now died
Romantic scenes now haunting silouettes
Jaded and hopeless
But for one dim glow
The pilot light
The one that cannot stop loving
Cannot burn all hope out
The cold nothing creeps upon it
Threatening to extinguish faith
Reels tick over a projector
The dreams of a young girl
A star, special magic eyes, a horse, a talented young prince
Someday someday excuse
Unloveable and unloved
Alone without a soulmate to help my light shine and fill me with hope and love
Alone without the star of the flickering movie
Sometimes it is the most important thing to a person
Sometimes the need for love is what wastes us away and makes us hollow inside
‘The monster that scares the child inside your mind is part of you… You decide whether it continues, or picks up the child, reassures them and then helps them leave the corner.’ – Bee x
I did it again, dear reader. I said I would not speak to him anymore. But in the wee hours; when I’m feeling a little low, who do I tell? Yes. It’s utterly pathetic. I need to be a far stronger individual than I am currently. I don’t know why when I’m feeling vulnerable, I need to tell him about it so that he can help me feel better. Do you ever wish you could hop into a time machine and fix things so that you never spoke in the first place. 😔