It’s been a while since I posted. Feels like I only really post on here when I’m at a loss of what to do. I guess this is the only place I can properly vent this stuff. I really miss my friend that I had known since my first year of high school. I’ve missed her since she stopped talking to me. Every day I’ll think of something that I’d like to tell her or something funny happens and I automatically want to share it with her. I’m not even sure what I did to end our long friendship, I took on all the problems mounted up by my sister and in fixing her mess I lost a friend. I feel worse because I know that my sister did nothing to try to help my situation. I fixed her mess and she didn’t once attempt to explain to my friend how I was doing what I did to get her out of a jam. She just didn’t even try.
Don’t leave me hangin’ on the telephone – Blondie
Tick tocking on the clock
Feeling like the time has stopped
Waiting for your little text
When will you talk to me next
You leave me hanging for days and days
Hanging on the telephone
This may be one sided but I feel it isn’t so
But I’m tired of being the one to say hello
Opening lines to keep you near
I closed the lines and opened fear
Because you’ve left me hanging
Hanging on the telephone
Nails click and teeth grind
Unlocking the screen only to find
No message no questions no how are you
I keep telling myself this friendship is through
But it’s not and it can’t and I know it’s a lie
No matter how much I think it I can’t say goodbye
So I stay and I wait for you to make the first move
Hoping you’ll surprise me and finally prove
That it’s not just me and I don’t have to be alone
But still you leave me hanging on the telephone
Hello dear reader
I know it’s been a long time. I’m sorry. The past few months have been both enjoyable and heartbreaking. Perhaps I should start with the thing that started all this sorrow. I made a bad call. I let someone who I knew was a waste of space into my sisters life. He was an utter idiot and pretended he didn’t even know her when they were together. A slimy little waste of air and I introduced him to her. It makes me sick to think how he came between myself, my best friend and my sister. Because she was more concerned about herself and the fun she was having with him, and ignored the fact that myself and my friend knew him better and knew that he was this way. So it caused arguments. And caused me to lose a lot of trust for my sister and totally lose my friend. There were problems in the friendship between the three of us already; but this situation made it worse. Pushing it to breaking point.
My sister lied about a lot of things. Went away with him without any money or transport of her own having only known him a few weeks. She made some stupid potentially dangerous decisions and that infuriated me. I’ve always been the one to fight off her bullies and defend her. But this time I wouldn’t be able to. She didn’t even see how it could potentially be dangerous. I don’t think I can ever have the same relationship with her as we had before. Too many other things got brought up when arguing. I’m trying. So hard. But sometimes I just get so annoyed. I don’t like change. Don’t adapt well.
So now I’m quite alone. It’s a terrible feeling to not be able to trust people. To be lonely. I miss my friend. She isn’t bothered. I’ve been replaced by trendier sycophantic “friends”. So it’s basically just me and my dogs. I have a team I work with but they’re far away and we don’t meet up or anything. I have Facebook friends but they’re not really interested in me. And I have friends in different countries but they are so far away.
I enjoy my job though. It keeps me from being a hermit. I get to meet different people and make sure they have a fun filled party. That’s good. I wish I could do it full time though. I’m working on being proactive and getting those bookings. I’ts hard for someone with depression to be peppy but I will keep trying.
My life isn’t a completely fulfilled and happy one. But I’m still trying to make it that way. I won’t give up. No matter how lonely or worthless I feel. I’ll keep at it.
Hello dear reader,
It’s been quite a while since we last spoke. To tell you everything that has happened in my life since the last time would take a while so I’ll just start from now. Right now I’m struggling dear reader. Anxiety is a horrible thing, it stops you in your tracks and holds you where you are, unable to move, just held in the air waiting to fall and hit the ground.
That’s where my mind is at the moment, not knowing how to move either way. I must explain at this point that this is nothing new to me. I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder and am prone to bouts of depression. On top of this I have joint hyper mobility which means I’m always achy and tired.
Usually I am able to keep this under control. I take my meds, I try to meditate and I strive to be the most cheery person in the room.
But it’s a constant struggle, pretending to be “normal” all the time. It’s exhausting. This month everything seemed to pile on top of me. I find coping with change very difficult and a lot of things have changed. Professional life, personal life and the environment around me.
I’m seen as the one people can talk to when they need help. And I help. I make sure I’ve done my very best to help. And when they are all better I smile and encourage them to grow further. Then, at night when I go to bed and close the door; I sit alone with my own issues and slowly drown. That’s what it feels like doesn’t it. Like you’re drowning in your own sorrow. The panic attacks set in, the nagging thoughts repeat over and over till morning. When you get up, smile and be ever so happy for people.
Oh yes. Update on the Mr Gitchops situation; 13th February 2017. That was the last time I spoke to him. I was so tired of trying. He didn’t seem to care either way. So I did the only thing I know how when someone is being so cold and utterly breaking my heart. I laughed.
(Photo courtesy of google images)
Sometimes I feel like there's a hand in my stomach squeezing and twisting all the way up to my throat
The cold claws dig deep into my scalp releasing a stinging venom that trickles down my eyes and cheeks
Steel rods punch into my sternum with a force that could knock down the most muscular body
A large burning ball in my throat nearly chokes me to death and I swallow hard to shift it
That's when the despair, distress, alarm, fear, helplessness kicks in
That's when I feel I've lost all control
When I know I can't keep everyone safe
When my mind races with exaggerated scenarios and shows me scenes I don't want to think about
Oh I'm sorry, do I seem a little snappy?
It's ok, don't you worry about a thing; I'm fine… really
Suddenly, a loud crash and clatter thundered from the projection room at the back of the cinema.
There was a crash of metal then “OUCH… where is that film?” More clattering and crashing sounds echoed through the room before Jasmine heard Kai’s muffled voice again: “BINGO! Right, that goes on there and then that bit goes onto there…flick the switch and, TAH DAH!”
The lights dimmed the screen came to life. The title Casablanca appeared on the screen in huge letters behind Jasmine. She waited a moment, looking up at the projection room and wondering if her fiancé was now lost under a sea of film cans. Eventually, the little door opened and Kai appeared looking rather flustered. His hair was now crumpled, his tie loosened and the top two buttons of his shirt undone. Jasmine giggled at the sorry sight.
“Have fun, did you?” she joked.
“Err, yeah… I guess I’m not very good with the with the filing system in there,” he blushed “I found it though, Casablanca. For you, my love.” He motioned towards the screen in a very Bill and Ted kind of way.
Bounding over to Jasmine, he joined her on the picnic blanket. Jasmine picked up a strawberry, dipped it in the thick cream and held it up for Kai who leant forward and took a bite.
“This is all so wonderful. Thank you,” she absentmindedly wiped a spot of cream from the corner of his mouth.
“Well, I figured you would get bored at this event, but I was stoked that you agreed to come and support me, so I arranged to have this all ready for you. It’s the least I could do for you after having to endure my speech.” He looked down at the blanket and picked at a loose thread.
“Your speeches are never boring.”
Jasmine cupped his face in her hands and kissed him tenderly. She found it odd kissing him when he had a beard, but she didn’t mind the bristles tickling her face too much.
He rose to his knees so that he could lean in closer towards her. She draped her arms around his neck, running her fingers through his hair as he took of his jacket and waistcoat. His mouth continued exploring hers before moving down her neck to her shoulder. He reached around and expertly unzipped her dress with one hand. As he pulled the dress down to her waist, his hands cupped and caressed her breasts before he trailed kisses back up to her mouth.
Jasmine moved her hands down from his hair to his chest where she located and undid the buttons of his shirt before pulling it down his arms. He swiftly took off his cufflinks and pulled the shirt off, tossing it aside. Kai gripped Jasmine’s thighs, pulling her legs either side of him, hitching up the long silver material.
He looked deep into her eyes as if asking permission. As she smiled back at him, he lowered her back until she was lying out on the blanket. He kissed her again, this time more passionately but still tender and lovingly.
Jasmine moved her hands down to the fly of his trousers and pulled down the zipper. Kai progressed slowly and gently inside her, moving like waves onto the sand on a calm summer’s day. Under the projection of the film, Jasmine and Kai tenderly made love to one another as though it was the first time. Only on that perfect night, did they both feel the magnitude of their growing love for each other.
As the film flicked around on the wheel creating a fluttering light in the darkness, Jasmine and Kai lay on the blanket together; holding hands before both falling asleep.
The dinner at the director’s house was a bore.
Jasmine looked around the grand marquee in the vast grounds of the mansion. It had been decorated with beautiful twinkling lights and swathes of material arranged from the roof. She looked at the people on her table; vacuous blonde models draped over old men with high blood pressure, who’s attraction lay solely in their bulging wallets and healthy bank balance.
Kai had left her at the table and gone to speak to Mr. Big-Shot-Director and his buddies. Jasmine was not interested in getting to know them. She had hated all his movies and found him to be a complete buffoon.
As she watched her beau converse enthusiastically with Mr. Big-Shot and his cronies, she turned her head away to the table and let out a loud, long yawn. The blonde with the sequined gold gown and no chest glowered at her. The other blondes then joined in, glaring, frowning and tutting. Jasmine felt like a naughty child that had interrupted a school assembly. She turned her head back to where Kai had been standing.
He wasn’t there.
Suddenly, she felt his warm hand touch her shoulder.
“This isn’t really your style is it?” He looked down at Jasmine as she turned her body round in her chair to face him. Leaning down towards her ear he whispered: “Truthfully, it’s not mine either.”
Mr. Big-Shot walked over and patted Kai on the back. As Kai stood up, the director handed him a key. He smiled, winked and then walked away.
“Thanks buddy,” Kai called after him, receiving a ‘no problem’ wave in return.
“What was that all about?” Jasmine enquired suspiciously.
“Oh, he just owes me a favour and I’m calling it in.” Kai picked Jasmine’s purse up from the table “Come on, let’s go.”
“What? We cant. You’re the guest of honour,” Jasmine responded. “ Anyway, what favour? How are you ‘calling it in’? What are you up to Kai Charles Evans?”
Ever the gentleman, Kai took her hand and helped her up out of her chair.
“Just trust me Jasmine Saffron Heart,” he grinned, making a point to enunciate each letter. Much to the disfavor of the on looking models, he kissed her tenderly on the lips. “It’s nothing bad, I promise.”
He picked up her shawl and handed it, along with the purse to Jasmine. Entwining his long fingers between hers, Kai led her out of the marquee. Instead of making his way down the side of the great house towards the car, he went to the tall patio doors, slid them open and helped her up the step.
“Now, I need a blindfold,” he said, sounding like a man on a mission. “Gimme that.” He nodded towards Jasmine’s hand.
“Why?” Jasmine queried, sounding worried. Kai took the shawl from her hand. “What are you going to do?” She was sure they where not allowed to be in this part of the estate and felt like an intruder in the grand mansion.
“I told you,” Kai said as he folded the shawl to half its width. “It’s nothing bad. Just humour me, will ya!”
He blindfolded her, taking care not to flatten her curls. A sudden surge of electricity shot through Jasmine as his hand brushed the back of her neck. Goosebumps covered her arms. Standing in front of her, taking hold of both her hands, he guided her forward. Before long, he placed his hands on her hips and turned her to her left.
As he moved to stand in front of her, Jasmine could smell Hugo Boss Man radiating from his skin. She threw her arms around his neck and nuzzled closer, breathing in his masculine scent. His beard tickled her face as she trailed soft kisses up to his ear. Kai turned his face to her and brushed his lips sensually across hers. Then, he stepped away. Once again he grasped her hands and continued to walk, stopping her at a set of steps.
“There are a couple of steps here, Angel. But don’t worry, I’ve got you.” He proceeded to escort her down the steep stairs. “That’s it, slowly… only a few more steps to go.”
When they reached the foot of the stairs, Kai stood Jasmine in front of a set of heavy double doors. She lifted her hands to remove the improvised blindfold, but her fiancé took her hands before she could remove the shawl.
“Not yet. Wait until we get in,” he said, now sounding excited and very pleased with himself. “Wait there.”
He took the key from his pocket, turned it in the lock and opened the door. He moved around to stand behind Jasmine before leading her onward an additional four steps. He closed and locked the doors behind them leaving the key in the lock. Slowly and carefully, he untied the blindfold.
As Jasmine’s eyes adjusted to the light she noticed that the dark ceiling was covered in low-lit spotlights. She looked down to find several rows of dark leather seats with cup holders in the arm of each one. As she turned to the front of the room her jaw dropped. There was a low, black stage in front of an immense cinema screen. She had to admit to herself, Mr. Big-Shot had good taste. The home cinema was the most impressive Jasmine had ever seen.
Kai ran enthusiastically to the stage and waved to Jasmine to join him. He then moved around to the back of the screen and returned with a red and white picnic blanket and a whicker hamper in his arms.
“So this is what you were plotting!” Jasmine exclaimed as Kai laid the blanket out and placed the hamper next to it. He helped her on to the blanket and poured her a flute of champagne.
“Make yourself cozy. I’ll be back in a sec,” he said, backing away towards the rear of the cinema. He stopped for a moment and turned to face her.
“Oh, by the way, what’s your favourite old film again?” He asked, cocking his head cutely to the side like an inquisitive pup.
“Err, I don’t know… Breakfast at Tiffany’s,” Jasmine answered.
“Really? Isn’t there anything else?” Kai complained as he scrunched up his face disapprovingly.
“You asked me what my favourite film was!” Jasmine shrugged. “What about Casablanca?” She took a sip of her champagne, it was cool and refreshing and the bubbles fizzed all the way down her throat.
“That’s much better,” Kai beamed as he turned back and disappeared through a little door at the back of the room.
Tucking her legs to one side, Jasmine leant over to the picnic basket and opened the lid. Inside there were little Tupperware pots containing strawberries, cream, and a Caesar salad. There was also a large box of Belgian chocolates. She took out the pot of ruby red strawberries and the container of cream. Grabbing one that looked big and juicy, Jasmine coated the tip in the cream and took a bite. It tasted heavenly.
The boy done good! She thought to herself.