It’s been a while since I posted. Feels like I only really post on here when I’m at a loss of what to do. I guess this is the only place I can properly vent this stuff. I really miss my friend that I had known since my first year of high school. I’ve missed her since she stopped talking to me. Every day I’ll think of something that I’d like to tell her or something funny happens and I automatically want to share it with her. I’m not even sure what I did to end our long friendship, I took on all the problems mounted up by my sister and in fixing her mess I lost a friend. I feel worse because I know that my sister did nothing to try to help my situation. I fixed her mess and she didn’t once attempt to explain to my friend how I was doing what I did to get her out of a jam. She just didn’t even try.
Don’t leave me hangin’ on the telephone – Blondie
Tick tocking on the clock
Feeling like the time has stopped
Waiting for your little text
When will you talk to me next
You leave me hanging for days and days
Hanging on the telephone
This may be one sided but I feel it isn’t so
But I’m tired of being the one to say hello
Opening lines to keep you near
I closed the lines and opened fear
Because you’ve left me hanging
Hanging on the telephone
Nails click and teeth grind
Unlocking the screen only to find
No message no questions no how are you
I keep telling myself this friendship is through
But it’s not and it can’t and I know it’s a lie
No matter how much I think it I can’t say goodbye
So I stay and I wait for you to make the first move
Hoping you’ll surprise me and finally prove
That it’s not just me and I don’t have to be alone
But still you leave me hanging on the telephone
Hello dear reader
I know it’s been a long time. I’m sorry. The past few months have been both enjoyable and heartbreaking. Perhaps I should start with the thing that started all this sorrow. I made a bad call. I let someone who I knew was a waste of space into my sisters life. He was an utter idiot and pretended he didn’t even know her when they were together. A slimy little waste of air and I introduced him to her. It makes me sick to think how he came between myself, my best friend and my sister. Because she was more concerned about herself and the fun she was having with him, and ignored the fact that myself and my friend knew him better and knew that he was this way. So it caused arguments. And caused me to lose a lot of trust for my sister and totally lose my friend. There were problems in the friendship between the three of us already; but this situation made it worse. Pushing it to breaking point.
My sister lied about a lot of things. Went away with him without any money or transport of her own having only known him a few weeks. She made some stupid potentially dangerous decisions and that infuriated me. I’ve always been the one to fight off her bullies and defend her. But this time I wouldn’t be able to. She didn’t even see how it could potentially be dangerous. I don’t think I can ever have the same relationship with her as we had before. Too many other things got brought up when arguing. I’m trying. So hard. But sometimes I just get so annoyed. I don’t like change. Don’t adapt well.
So now I’m quite alone. It’s a terrible feeling to not be able to trust people. To be lonely. I miss my friend. She isn’t bothered. I’ve been replaced by trendier sycophantic “friends”. So it’s basically just me and my dogs. I have a team I work with but they’re far away and we don’t meet up or anything. I have Facebook friends but they’re not really interested in me. And I have friends in different countries but they are so far away.
I enjoy my job though. It keeps me from being a hermit. I get to meet different people and make sure they have a fun filled party. That’s good. I wish I could do it full time though. I’m working on being proactive and getting those bookings. I’ts hard for someone with depression to be peppy but I will keep trying.
My life isn’t a completely fulfilled and happy one. But I’m still trying to make it that way. I won’t give up. No matter how lonely or worthless I feel. I’ll keep at it.
Hello dear reader,
It’s been quite a while since we last spoke. To tell you everything that has happened in my life since the last time would take a while so I’ll just start from now. Right now I’m struggling dear reader. Anxiety is a horrible thing, it stops you in your tracks and holds you where you are, unable to move, just held in the air waiting to fall and hit the ground.
That’s where my mind is at the moment, not knowing how to move either way. I must explain at this point that this is nothing new to me. I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder and am prone to bouts of depression. On top of this I have joint hyper mobility which means I’m always achy and tired.
Usually I am able to keep this under control. I take my meds, I try to meditate and I strive to be the most cheery person in the room.
But it’s a constant struggle, pretending to be “normal” all the time. It’s exhausting. This month everything seemed to pile on top of me. I find coping with change very difficult and a lot of things have changed. Professional life, personal life and the environment around me.
I’m seen as the one people can talk to when they need help. And I help. I make sure I’ve done my very best to help. And when they are all better I smile and encourage them to grow further. Then, at night when I go to bed and close the door; I sit alone with my own issues and slowly drown. That’s what it feels like doesn’t it. Like you’re drowning in your own sorrow. The panic attacks set in, the nagging thoughts repeat over and over till morning. When you get up, smile and be ever so happy for people.
Oh yes. Update on the Mr Gitchops situation; 13th February 2017. That was the last time I spoke to him. I was so tired of trying. He didn’t seem to care either way. So I did the only thing I know how when someone is being so cold and utterly breaking my heart. I laughed.
(Photo courtesy of google images)
Sometimes I feel like there's a hand in my stomach squeezing and twisting all the way up to my throat
The cold claws dig deep into my scalp releasing a stinging venom that trickles down my eyes and cheeks
Steel rods punch into my sternum with a force that could knock down the most muscular body
A large burning ball in my throat nearly chokes me to death and I swallow hard to shift it
That's when the despair, distress, alarm, fear, helplessness kicks in
That's when I feel I've lost all control
When I know I can't keep everyone safe
When my mind races with exaggerated scenarios and shows me scenes I don't want to think about
Oh I'm sorry, do I seem a little snappy?
It's ok, don't you worry about a thing; I'm fine… really
Suddenly, a loud crash and clatter thundered from the projection room at the back of the cinema.
There was a crash of metal then “OUCH… where is that film?” More clattering and crashing sounds echoed through the room before Jasmine heard Kai’s muffled voice again: “BINGO! Right, that goes on there and then that bit goes onto there…flick the switch and, TAH DAH!”
The lights dimmed the screen came to life. The title Casablanca appeared on the screen in huge letters behind Jasmine. She waited a moment, looking up at the projection room and wondering if her fiancé was now lost under a sea of film cans. Eventually, the little door opened and Kai appeared looking rather flustered. His hair was now crumpled, his tie loosened and the top two buttons of his shirt undone. Jasmine giggled at the sorry sight.
“Have fun, did you?” she joked.
“Err, yeah… I guess I’m not very good with the with the filing system in there,” he blushed “I found it though, Casablanca. For you, my love.” He motioned towards the screen in a very Bill and Ted kind of way.
Bounding over to Jasmine, he joined her on the picnic blanket. Jasmine picked up a strawberry, dipped it in the thick cream and held it up for Kai who leant forward and took a bite.
“This is all so wonderful. Thank you,” she absentmindedly wiped a spot of cream from the corner of his mouth.
“Well, I figured you would get bored at this event, but I was stoked that you agreed to come and support me, so I arranged to have this all ready for you. It’s the least I could do for you after having to endure my speech.” He looked down at the blanket and picked at a loose thread.
“Your speeches are never boring.”
Jasmine cupped his face in her hands and kissed him tenderly. She found it odd kissing him when he had a beard, but she didn’t mind the bristles tickling her face too much.
He rose to his knees so that he could lean in closer towards her. She draped her arms around his neck, running her fingers through his hair as he took of his jacket and waistcoat. His mouth continued exploring hers before moving down her neck to her shoulder. He reached around and expertly unzipped her dress with one hand. As he pulled the dress down to her waist, his hands cupped and caressed her breasts before he trailed kisses back up to her mouth.
Jasmine moved her hands down from his hair to his chest where she located and undid the buttons of his shirt before pulling it down his arms. He swiftly took off his cufflinks and pulled the shirt off, tossing it aside. Kai gripped Jasmine’s thighs, pulling her legs either side of him, hitching up the long silver material.
He looked deep into her eyes as if asking permission. As she smiled back at him, he lowered her back until she was lying out on the blanket. He kissed her again, this time more passionately but still tender and lovingly.
Jasmine moved her hands down to the fly of his trousers and pulled down the zipper. Kai progressed slowly and gently inside her, moving like waves onto the sand on a calm summer’s day. Under the projection of the film, Jasmine and Kai tenderly made love to one another as though it was the first time. Only on that perfect night, did they both feel the magnitude of their growing love for each other.
As the film flicked around on the wheel creating a fluttering light in the darkness, Jasmine and Kai lay on the blanket together; holding hands before both falling asleep.
The lights flickered as the storm threatened to cut out the electricity, I hadn’t even wanted to go to Russia, and hated the little town we were staying in. Sebastian had wanted to give me the proper Eastern Europe small town stay experience, and he had succeeded. The temperature was below freezing and the doorway to the little cottage was blocked with snow. Great! We can’t even get out to find a hotel!
I sipped at my glass of wine while huddled on the giant sofa wrapped in the biggest, fluffiest blanket I could find in the little airing cupboard next to the bedroom. There was an open fire that the housekeeper had lit for us before she had left, which I kept constantly fed. Though it was making little difference against the chill in the dark stonewalled rooms.
I was pissed off with Sebastian, and I wanted him to know it. I just wanted to stay at home and maybe go out on a few day trips, or go out eating and to a couple of bars. Not doss it in a shack in the middle of Russia, we had been to a few countries already and now I was getting a little bored, I was expecting a little bad weather, given where we were travelling to; but this was ridiculous!
‘You’re pissed with me?’ he strolled over to me. I said nothing, just continued to drink, ‘I can’t control the weather, my princess’ I detected a little mockery in his voice; this really riled me. How fucking dare he? I’m freezing my tits off here! I warned that douche bag that the weather was going to be a shit!
‘I did not ask you to control the weather Sebastian, I gave you a printout of what the weather was predicted to be like, and it did say that there would be snowstorms.’ I felt a spike of anger prickle up my neck but the wine was beginning to kick in and it soon dissipated to a warm alcoholic tingle.
He looked down at me; I looked pathetic in my fluffy blanket and thick socks. His usual comforting sweet smile returned to his face. ‘Yeah, you did didn’t you. You think of all those important details’ he took a seat next to me and pulled me close to him, wrapping my blanket around himself as well. ‘That’s one of the things I love about you’ he kissed me lightly on the forehead.
There it was; he did it again, instant forgiveness. He always knew how to completely melt my heart, but I wasn’t going to let him know that he was forgiven just yet. ‘One of the things?’ Go on smart boy list them!
‘Yes, one of the many things I love about you. Now stop pouting, I know you’ve forgiven me already. I can read that mind of yours. Almost as well as I can read your body.’ He ran his hand up my thigh; my skin tingled under his lingering fingers.
Resist you idiot! You’re supposed to be sulking remember! What is it about wine that makes me so easy to get in the mood? Oh yeah, the alcohol, and the fact that my man is teasingly close to my warm spot!
I had to give in; he looked so good in his red check shirt with flannel top underneath like a naughty John Bender from The Breakfast Club. His jeans were tight, outlining his ample goods within. I felt him staring as I looked down towards his manhood.
‘And what is my body saying at the moment?’ I raised my eyes to meet his.
‘That you want me to play you like a piano, which as you know, I am well adept at playing, fast or slow’ he shot a cheeky smile and winked at me. Show off!
‘You think a lot of yourself. I hope you can live up to all that bragging’ I swallowed the last mouthful of my wine, it smelled sweet and fruity, like a warm summers day; a stark contrast to the bleak surroundings I found myself in.
‘Oh you know I can babe’ Sebastian leaned forward and took the empty glass from my hand before throwing it into the fireplace. He took my face in his hands as his lightly callused pianists fingers traced my bottom lip. Looking deep into my eyes, he moved in to kiss me. I returned the affection, running my fingers through his light brown scruffy hair and pressing his lips hard to mine.
Feeling me responding to his kiss, he trailed his fingers down my neck, nimbly unbuttoning my shirt as he did. Turning his attention to my breasts, he sucked and nibbled my right nipple sending bullets of pleasure shooting down my body to my sex. With his right hand he worked on my left nipple, taking it between his thumb and forefinger and playing until it was rock hard.
‘Oh’ the sound escaped my lips as he made his way further down my torso, kissing and sucking as he came to rest just above my jeans. After unbuttoning the top of them he teasingly licked along the line of my pink lace thong. My body delighted in the warm soft texture of his tongue but wanted more. Come on Sebastian, if you can read my body and mind then you should know that I want you to hurry up and unzip!
Almost as if he heard my thoughts he obliged, skillfully removing my underwear as he pulled down my jeans and flung them over the back of the sofa.
Before I could take a breath, he had lowered his head deep between my thighs, hungrily licking and sucking at my most intimate parts. The feeling was amazing as his expert tongue worked on me in ways I could never achieve on my own. ‘I want you’ whispering vapour into the cold air, I tugged at his hair and he lifted his head.
Staring into his eyes I gave him a nod of permission. I heard the zip of his jeans as he undid them and set free his aching erection. As he guided himself inside me, I tugged at his shirt, removing it as fast as I could to get to the flannel top beneath. Lifting his flannel shirt off over his head, I exposed Sebastian’s chiseled torso. As he began rhythmically moving inside me, I breathed in his masculine scent, woody and clean.
We moved together, huddled under the blanket exploring each other’s bodies and physically expressing our love for one another.
I felt the heat, passion and pure pleasure rise from within my tightening walls as Sebastian’s thrusts became faster and more forceful. Taking me to the edge of ecstasy, Sebastian gave one final thrust before we both verbally exhaled our gratitude in unison. I felt my body unravel around him as he fell onto me.
We lay there for a while in total silence, side by side under the warmth of the blanket and our previous activity. ‘Well that kept us warm’ giving a sly grin, Sebastian interwove the fingers of his right hand with mine.
‘Mmm’ I replied as I nestled further into his side. Then it hit me, the realization. I gasped.
‘What, what’s the matter?’ Sebastian looked concerned as he turned onto his elbow to look at me.
I let out an uncontrollable giggle. ‘Tell me!’ he urged, now beginning to chuckle.
‘I left my fluffy socks on!’