Category Archives: Musings

Hello again

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Hello dear reader

I know it’s been a long time. I’m sorry. The past few months have been both enjoyable and heartbreaking. Perhaps I should start with the thing that started all this sorrow. I made a bad call. I let someone who I knew was a waste of space into my sisters life. He was an utter idiot and pretended he didn’t even know her when they were together. A slimy little waste of air and I introduced him to her. It makes me sick to think how he came between myself, my best friend and my sister. Because she was more concerned about herself and the fun she was having with him, and ignored the fact that myself and my friend knew him better and knew that he was this way. So it caused arguments. And caused me to lose a lot of trust for my sister and totally lose my friend. There were problems in the friendship between the three of us already; but this situation made it worse. Pushing it to breaking point.

My sister lied about a lot of things. When away with him without any money or transport of her own having only known him a few weeks. She made some stupid potentially dangerous decisions and that infuriated me. I’ve always been the one to fight off her bullies and defend her. But this time I wouldn’t be able to. She didn’t even see how it could potentially be dangerous. I don’t think I can ever have the same relationship with her as we had before. Too many other things got brought up when arguing. I’m trying. So hard. But sometimes I just get so annoyed. I don’t like change. Don’t adapt well.

So now I’m quite alone. It’s a terrible feeling to not be able to trust people. To be lonely. I miss my friend. She isn’t bothered. I’ve been replaced by trendier sycophantic “friends”. So it’s basically just me and my dogs. I have a team I work with but they’re far away and we don’t meet up or anything. I have Facebook friends but they’re not really interested in me. And I have friends I different countries but the are so far away.

I enjoy my job though. It keeps me from being a hermit. I get to meet different people and make sure they have a fun filled party. That’s good. I wish I could do it full time though. I’m working on being proactive and getting those bookings. I’m s hard for someone with depression to be peppy but I will keep trying.

My life isn’t a completely fulfilled and happy one. But I’m still trying to make it that way. I won’t give up. No matter how lonely or worthless I feel. I’ll keep at it.

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Going Under

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Hello dear reader,

It’s been quite a while since we last spoke. To tell you everything that has happened in my life since the last time would take a while so I’ll just start from now. Right now I’m struggling dear reader. Anxiety is a horrible thing, it stops you in your tracks and holds you where you are, unable to move, just held in the air waiting to fall and hit the ground.

That’s where my mind is at the moment, not knowing how to move either way. I must explain at this point that this is nothing new to me. I have Generalised Anxiety Disorder and am prone to bouts of depression. On top of this I have joint hyper mobility which means I’m always achy and tired.

Usually I am able to keep this under control. I take my meds, I try to meditate and I strive to be the most cheery person in the room.

But it’s a constant struggle, pretending to be “normal” all the time. It’s exhausting. This month everything seemed to pile on top of me. I find coping with change very difficult and a lot of things have changed. Professional life, personal life and the environment around me.
I’m seen as the one people can talk to when they need help. And I help. I make sure I’ve done my very best to help. And when they are all better I smile and encourage them to grow further. Then, at night when I go to bed and close the door; I sit alone with my own issues and slowly drown. That’s what it feels like doesn’t it. Like you’re drowning in your own sorrow. The panic attacks set in, the nagging thoughts repeat over and over till morning. When you get up, smile and be ever so happy for people.

Oh yes. Update on the Mr Gitchops situation; 13th February 2017. That was the last time I spoke to him. I was so tired of trying. He didn’t seem to care either way. So I did the only thing I know how when someone is being so cold and utterly breaking my heart. I laughed.

Little Notes In Library Books XIV

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Little Notes In Library Books XIV

(Photo courtesy of google images)

Sometimes I feel like there's a hand in my stomach squeezing and twisting all the way up to my throat
The cold claws dig deep into my scalp releasing a stinging venom that trickles down my eyes and cheeks
Steel rods punch into my sternum with a force that could knock down the most muscular body
A large burning ball in my throat nearly chokes me to death and I swallow hard to shift it
That's when the despair, distress, alarm, fear, helplessness kicks in
That's when I feel I've lost all control
When I know I can't keep everyone safe
When my mind races with exaggerated scenarios and shows me scenes I don't want to think about
Oh I'm sorry, do I seem a little snappy?
It's ok, don't you worry about a thing; I'm fine… really

Little Notes In Library Books X

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You are unique

Inspirational right? 

But are you?  

Aren’t you just like everyone else

You try so hard to be

You once didn’t care

A jolly laugh and scruffy hair

The phone that you spent your last penny on was once a cheerful plastic friend with a smiley face. He didn’t need to be upgraded. 

Fashion was just a word to explain the cut up doll clothes and marker pen makeup

The random spinning and frantic wiggling has been replaced with a dance confined to a half meter square and involves self discipline and just the right pose.

Yes I do believe we are somewhat unique at first. We are free to be 

But now?  As you take the seventy third selfie of the day 

As you adorn yourself with the popular fashion of the minute and force your hair to comply with what is on trend

Are you still as unique? 

And is it all as fun as it was when you didn’t even know what a hashtag was? 

What actually happens when you break from that group of clones? 

Nothing. You don’t combust or lose everything. You’re just fine 

No need to check social media. The trend today is whatever you make it. 

 The days hot topics don’t need hash tags and the food you eat is your choice not the most dominant “friend’s”

Don’t like that?  Gone

Like that?  Great! 

No it’s not uncool.  What does that even mean?  

Fun isn’t it! 

Now. Are you unique?